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The Obligatory Joke Thread
scott2184 Wed Oct 31, 2012 3:28 am
Just bought the wife some crotchless knickers for Halloween. Nothing sexual. Just gives her a much better grip on her broomstick.
--
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
--
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news" the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings". "That's wonderful" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor".
--
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. "SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"
--
The Thames river police stop two Pakistani gentlemen in a rowing boat, heading towards central London. "The captain gets on the loudhailer and shouts "Ahoy, small craft... where are you heading?" One of the Pakistani gentlemen stands up and shouts "We are invading the United Kingdom!" The crew of the police launch all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loudhailer and says "Just the two of you then?" The Pakistani gentleman stands up again and shouts "No, we're just the last two. The rest are already here!"
--
Why do Jews have double-glazed windows? So their kids can't hear the ice cream van coming.
--
Two workers meet one day in the cafeteria at work. One says to the other "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the company died over the weekend". The other replies "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him". "What do you mean 'who died with him'?" asks the first. "Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's best workers' and I want to know who it was".
--
Trevor goes into a florist and says "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend". The florist looked at him and said "Certainly sir, what is it you're after?" Trevor replies "A root".
--
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying "So did I!"
--
My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives... so I double fisted her with a set of Hulk Hands.
--
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
--
I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife's request and found our new family doctor is a young female. I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I'm a professional -
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out". I said "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny".
--
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour" but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.
--
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognise him?" "That's easy. He"s a dwarf with a speech impediment".
So, the dwarf shows up and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth". So he shows him a prized filly...
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?" Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I thould rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit...?"
--
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock.
--
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news" the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings". "That's wonderful" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor".
--
Father Duffy walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor. He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground. As he's shagging her the Rev Mother comes in. "SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect. Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!"
--
The Thames river police stop two Pakistani gentlemen in a rowing boat, heading towards central London. "The captain gets on the loudhailer and shouts "Ahoy, small craft... where are you heading?" One of the Pakistani gentlemen stands up and shouts "We are invading the United Kingdom!" The crew of the police launch all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loudhailer and says "Just the two of you then?" The Pakistani gentleman stands up again and shouts "No, we're just the last two. The rest are already here!"
--
Why do Jews have double-glazed windows? So their kids can't hear the ice cream van coming.
--
Two workers meet one day in the cafeteria at work. One says to the other "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the company died over the weekend". The other replies "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him". "What do you mean 'who died with him'?" asks the first. "Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's best workers' and I want to know who it was".
--
Trevor goes into a florist and says "I would like to buy a bunch of flowers for my girlfriend". The florist looked at him and said "Certainly sir, what is it you're after?" Trevor replies "A root".
--
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying "So did I!"
--
My girlfriend said bringing toys into the bedroom would spice up our sex lives... so I double fisted her with a set of Hulk Hands.
--
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and his girlfriend going at it in the back-seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend entwined, then walked back into the bar laughing. "What's so funny?" the bartender asked. "That damned Pete!" the drunk chortled "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
--
I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife's request and found our new family doctor is a young female. I was embarrassed, but she said "Don't worry, I'm a professional -
I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out". I said "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny".
--
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour" but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.
--
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse. His buddy asks "How will I recognise him?" "That's easy. He"s a dwarf with a speech impediment".
So, the dwarf shows up and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth". So he shows him a prized filly...
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?" So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?" The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat?" Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I thould rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit...?"
scott2184- Crispy
- Posts : 358
Join date : 2012-07-18
Age : 40
Location : Claremont, Tasmania
Pov- Crispy
- Posts : 373
Join date : 2012-07-18
Age : 33
Location : Devonport, Tasmania
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